How to Say NO to Your Ex When They’re Being Unreasonable

If you’ve gone through a breakup or divorce, you already know it’s not just about paperwork—it’s about emotions, boundaries, and healing. As a divorce attorney with more than 15 years of experience (and a podcast where I talk about this exact kind of thing weekly), I’ve seen just about every post-divorce dynamic play out. But one scenario stands out as both common and emotionally exhausting: when your ex just won’t let go.

This article is about reclaiming your peace, your space, and your power—with legal awareness and emotional confidence. Whether they’re texting too much, trying to control your life, or refusing to honor boundaries, here’s how to say NO with both firmness and compassion.

1. Recognize When It’s Time to Say No

Sometimes, saying no feels harsh—especially when you have a history with someone. But when your ex refuses to accept the end of the relationship, continues to guilt trip you, or uses the kids as leverage, you owe it to yourself to shut that down. Boundaries aren’t mean. They’re essential.

Podcast Clip: In Episode 34 of Legally Unfiltered, I said: “You don’t have to explain your peace to someone who thrives on your confusion.” That line resonated with thousands of listeners.

2. When “Friendly” Turns Controlling

Here’s something that happens more often than you think: your ex says they want to “stay friends,” but what they really want is control. They want updates. They want to monitor your dating life. They want to play house without taking responsibility.

Client Story (with permission, name changed):

Me: “Jessica, what’s going on between you and Brian lately?”

Jessica: “He keeps dropping by ‘just to see the dog.’ He texts me every night to ask what I’m watching. It’s like… we’re divorced, but not really.”

Me: “That’s emotional overreach. If it makes you feel obligated or invaded, that’s your sign. Let’s draft a formal communication boundary clause for the parenting plan.”

Post-divorce doesn’t mean post-boundaries. You get to say how, when, and if they interact with you.

3. Put it in Writing

Sometimes a firm NO isn’t enough—especially if you’ve tried before and they keep pushing. That’s where legal clarity helps. Modify custody agreements. Limit communication to parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard. And yes, you can ask the court for no-contact provisions in extreme cases.

And if you’re dealing with international documents related to custody, name changes, or travel permissions, you might need an official Florida Apostille Service. It’s important to ensure the documents are legally recognized abroad—especially if your ex is threatening to flee the country with your child or playing games with shared assets overseas.

4. Set Communication Standards

I often tell clients to treat ex-communication like a business transaction. Clear. Minimal. Civil. Don’t respond emotionally. Don’t engage in blame games. And for goodness’ sake, don’t fight over text.

If they send a manipulative message, here’s how you can respond:

• “I’m not available for this conversation.”
• “Please contact me only about parenting matters.”
• “This topic is closed. I won’t be responding further.”

You have no obligation to keep the emotional door open just because you once loved them.

5. Protect Your Peace Without Guilt

One of the biggest hurdles to saying no is guilt. But guilt is often just a reaction to someone else’s unmet expectations. If your ex is trying to guilt you into helping with their bills, loneliness, or drama, remember: that’s not your role anymore.

Personal Anecdote:

When I went through my own divorce 12 years ago, my ex used to call every time something went wrong—flat tire, bad day at work, feeling lonely. And every time, I showed up. Until I realized… I wasn’t healing. I was still tethered.

I had to say: “This isn’t helping either of us move forward.”

It was the most loving “no” I’ve ever said. For both of us.

6. When It’s Time to Get Legal Help

If your ex is showing up uninvited, harassing you through texts, or trying to alienate your kids, it’s not just emotionally draining—it could be legally actionable. Harassment and boundary violations can be grounds for protective orders or court modifications.

Don’t wait for it to escalate. If you need to document their behavior or formalize boundaries, talk to a family law attorney. And yes, I’ve walked hundreds of clients through this exact journey. You are not overreacting. You’re protecting your sanity—and sometimes, your safety.

7. Say NO, But Say it With Power

Saying no doesn’t have to be cruel. In fact, the strongest boundaries come from a place of clarity, not bitterness. Here are some final affirmations you can keep in your back pocket:

• “I’m choosing peace over chaos.”
• “I don’t owe access to anyone who hasn’t earned it.”
• “It’s okay to love someone and still walk away.”

Healing isn’t passive. Sometimes, it looks like a hard stop and a closed door.

Listen to the Podcast

This week’s Legally Unfiltered episode dives deeper into this very topic—when exes cross the line, and how to draw it in a way that holds up in real life and in court. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the emotional aftershocks of a breakup, I made this one for you.

Remember: You’re allowed to move forward. You’re allowed to say no. And you’re allowed to do both without apologizing.